


i know i'm pathetic (i knew when she said it)

by buffydyke



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Basically this is mostly Xander pining over Buffy and Oz having to listen to it, Bisexual Xander, F/F, Fem!Oz, Female Oz, Female Xander, Lesbian Oz, Poor Oz, fem!Xander
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 00:42:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8600359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buffydyke/pseuds/buffydyke
Summary: "I've never even kissed a girl."





	

**Author's Note:**

> In which Xander and Oz are girls. Xander is a hopeless bi and Oz is a cool lesbian. I don't think this needs any further explanation. I love femslash.  
> This takes place some time in s1. Things have obviously been changed. Xander and Oz are already friends, and Oz and Willow aren't dating. 
> 
> Catch me on [Tumblr](http://wlwbuffy.tumblr.com).

The thing about Xander Harris is that she's a genuinely hopeless human being.

If there's one constant in her life, it's that she can never really catch a break. In her youth, Xander had convinced herself that one day she would find _something_ she was good at. Now, as a sophomore in high school, she can't believe her younger self was so optimistic.

The fact of the matter is that if something doesn't involve video games or being a general loser, Xander sucks at it. Academics aren't her strong suit (the 'D' she's pulling in algebra is enough to prove that), sports are _definitely_ a no-go, and she doesn't even want to get started on romance. Xander's love life is comparable to the number of Sum 41 fans that aren't assholes: Non-existent. Nada. Zilch. Deader than Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi.

The latter of said truths is a fresh wound Xander is trying to ignore. Earlier today, she'd gotten up the nerve to ask Buffy out. It was a long shot, she knew; Xander didn't know if Buffy even liked girls, and if she did, there was no way she'd be into a loser like Xander. Buffy may hang out with her and Willow, but Xander had seen how naturally Buffy had been drawn to Cordelia and her lackeys. Buffy's friendship with the two of them is by choice, not necessity. While that made Xander feel good (and _incredibly_ wanted) in the friendship department, it did little to relieve her doubts. 

She'd seen the guys Buffy had stared at during homeroom; Guys like Owen. Not popular, really (popularity was something Owen had rejected under claims that it went against Transcendentalist thinking, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean), but also hot. If gender didn't automatically seal the deal, a general lack of hotness on Xander's part would surely do the trick. Xander couldn't compete with guys like Owen. They could probably confuse her with big words or spew out random facts about authors Xander had never heard of. 

So Xander really shouldn't have been surprised when Buffy turned her down for the dance. She'd been nice about it, of course; She'd said she already had a date and that she didn't see Xander as anything more than a friend. Xander _understood_ , and the request had been a long shot anyway, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Xander's self esteem had already been impossibly low, and it had somehow managed to get lower. The joys of Loserville. 

Being on the path to Loserville, however, is how Xander ended up at Oz's house. 

The thing about Oz--and there are lots of _things_ about Oz--is that she's cool. She was the first out lesbian _Xander_ had ever known, and probably the first in the _history_ of Sunnydale, too. And for a young freshman Xander that had only just begun to figure out she liked guys _and_ girls, that was a big deal. 

Oz has lived in Xander's neighborhood years and, more importantly, is cool. She's a year older, is in a band, and has that whole monosyllabic thing going on that drives girls wild. Honestly, Xander could stand to learn a thing or two from her. Even with their mutual appreciation of Blink-182, there isn't a lot that puts Xander on the same tier as Oz. 

Even so, Oz didn't complain when Xander showed up after school. Whether she just didn't mind company or had heard about Xander's mishap with Buffy, Oz welcomed her into her room. As far as Xander is concerned, validation is validation, even if it's out of pity (as long as she can't tell it's out of pity. That's a different story). For that, Xander's endlessly grateful. Buffy and Willow were supposed to meet for studying, and after today's events, Xander can't take the humiliation of seeing Buffy's face. Or lips. Or _anything_. 

Pestering Oz with her problems is much more fun, anyway.

"I'm hopeless."

Xander says this from Oz's bed. Currently, she's lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling as Oz strums out a few notes to Pathetic. It's a good song, really, and it sums up how Xander feels at the moment. Still, it's annoying that Oz is too preoccupied to give her any attention. If Xander wanted to be ignored, she would have just mingled with the rest of the world's population. 

Still, being in Oz's room is comforting enough. Every time Xander steps foot in here, she notices something new. This time, she's noticed the posters on Oz's ceiling. They're Pink Floyd album covers; The ones with the triangle and the grotesque face thing. Oz probably stares at them while thinking deeply or something, but all they make _Xander_ think about is how Oz got them up there. She's not exactly tall. A ladder, maybe? Or maybe a friend. The possibilities are endless, and Xander can't decide which one is the most plausible.

All this thinking is hurting her brain, and it's not getting her any closer to the real issues at hand: One, that Buffy doesn't like her; and two, that Oz isn't paying attention to her.

At least the second one has an immediate solution. 

"I'm _hopeless_ ," Xander repeats. This time, she speaks with more pained infliction to really drive home the fact that she's _suffering_. "I'm never going to find love and I'm going to die alone." 

It works well enough, though, because Oz lifts her head. She's still strumming, but at least Xander now has her attention. 

"Possibly," Oz replies. "That does happen to some." 

At that, Xander frowns. Okay, maybe she shouldn't have gotten Oz's attention. "I came here to be comforted. That is not comforting. That's the _opposite_ of comforting." 

Oz is doing that half-smile thing. It's cute, Xander thinks, but it doesn't excuse the _not comforting_. "Sorry. Couldn't resist," Oz says. She switches to a different song, then; One that Xander doesn't recognize. It's probably Pink Floyd. Xander hates Pink Floyd. 

"If I'm being honest, though," Oz continues, "It was one girl. You'll live." Oz doesn't understand. It isn't just one girl, it's _the_ girl. Oz doesn't know Buffy. Xander and Buffy had this connection the instant Buffy had moved to Sunnydale. And the Slayer thing? Even better. It would be like dating a superhero, only with a little less flying and a little more staking. 

It _would_ be, but Xander will never date Buffy. She'll never date anyone. She'll grow old and die alone with a dog or something. Xander doesn't even _like_ dogs. 

"No, I won't," Xander whines. Rolling over, she buries her face in one of Oz's pillows. Though it was probably white at one point, it's now permanently stained from countless nights of sleeping with dyed hair. Judging by Oz's current hair color, she assumes the purple stain is the newest. Xander also can't ignore how pungently the pillow smells of weed. She's sure the Pink Floyd posters and the weed smell are somehow related. 

"This is just setting the stage for the rest of my life," Xander continues. Her voice is muffled by the pillow, and she briefly wonders if this would be enough to smother her. God, that would be amazing. "I'll never get a girlfriend. I've never even _kissed_ a girl." 

Granted, Xander has never kissed a boy either, but she's infinitely less concerned about that. Attractive guys are few and far between (Tucker's younger brother is _okay_ , but Xander has a strong inclination that he's _very much_ not into girls), but attractive girls? They bombard Xander at every turn. It's so rude of them, really. 

At that, the strumming stops. It's an eerie kind of silence, and Xander hates silence of any kind. It makes her endlessly uncomfortable. 

After a moment, Oz speaks. "You've never kissed a girl?"

Xander lets out a sigh. Against the pillow, it's unbelievably warm. "Why do you say that like it's shocking?"

"It's not," Oz clarifies. Even with her face buried in the pillow, Xander hears a soft _thump_ as Oz sets down her guitar. "Now that you mention it. It explains a lot, actually."

"Again with the not comforting."

Xander feels the bed dip as Oz sits on the edge of the mattress. This close, she can smell whatever product Oz uses in her hair. It's earthy, almost, and Xander thinks that it's one of the most distinctive things about Oz. Other than… well, everything else.

"Sit up," she says. Xander's taken aback at first; Partly because she was very content with her face buried in the pillow while she complained about her problems, and partly because she's never really heard Oz give a command before. It's weird. Xander isn't sure whether she likes it or not. Even so, she does what Oz asks and pries herself up.

And when Xander turns to face her, that's when Oz kisses her.

It's strange, really, how kissing is nothing like people describe it. Okay, maybe it _is_ like people describe it, but Xander can't really find the words to explain how it feels for _her_. Nothing feels right, like something that truly captures the essence of what it's like to kiss Oz.

So Xander settles on the word 'nice.'

Kissing Oz is nice. And when Oz pulls back and smile--that little half-smile thing she does--Xander can't help but feel like she's different.

"Now you've kissed a girl." 

And as Oz moves to pick up her guitar once more, Xander thinks that maybe, just maybe, she isn't so _hopeless_ after all.


End file.
